A project I’m involved with in work was on the news today. This has caused much excitement amongst my colleagues and family and is wonderful for all involved. However, I felt really nervous about it airing because it meant seeing myself on screen. I know that I’m probably at my biggest weight and I avoid photographs if I possibly can. So, it was through gritted teeth that I tuned in to the bulletin this evening.

The item was fantastic. It was really positive, giving recognition to those involved in the project and what it’s achieved. All night my phone has been vibrating with notifications of congratulations and praise. Why, then, am I inwardly cringing? Why can’t I enjoy the moment without scrutinising my flaws?

Perhaps all of us are plagued by self-doubt, but some people seem so assured that I am in awe of their ability to focus on the positive. I can easily see the very best in other people, but I see the very worst in myself.

There are things I can do about not liking my reflection, and I try to do them. It takes a long time to chip away at my weight, though, so I often become despondent and feel like I’m never going to get anywhere. I have made great strides in improving my blood glucose, so should acknowledge that even if the weight isn’t disappearing as fast as I’d like, at least I’m healthier than I was.

Something I’ve taken from mindfulness is that it’s important to notice rather than judge, and that is what I’m striving to do this evening. I’m also making sure that I notice every bit of support I’ve had and acknowledge how good that makes me feel. I’m very grateful that others are much kinder to me than I am to myself.

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